The Learning Mindset Organization

Leadership talks with: Monique Borst, International Board of Experts.

In the second part of the leadership talks on empathetic leadership, we dive into the transformative power of empathy and constructive feedback in leadership. While empathy is crucial to lead teams through change, many leaders struggle to ask for feedback for fear of vulnerability and rejection. Monique explains how regular feedback not only strengthens empathy but also promotes trust, accountability and collaboration and enables teams to challenge the status quo. Authentic leadership, based on self-awareness and openness, encourages innovation and resilience, even in the face of resistance or failure.

This section follows our discussion on empathy and, more specifically, self-empathy, the often overlooked leadership competency to drive innovation. Our conversation draws on insights from the Learning Mindset Profilers and individual coaching sessions we both conducted. What we consistently observed in those sessions is that many senior executives rarely, if ever, actively seek feedback on their own performance.

Constructive feedback is undeniably valuable, but for leaders with low self-empathy, it can be particularly challenging. Monique from your experience what are some of the reasons for this?

What comes into play for many people, not just leaders, is that our brains often interpret feedback as a personal attack, a sign of failure, rejection, or even a threat to our identity. This emotional reaction triggers self-protective behaviors that, more often than not, hinder both personal growth and the development of our teams. Many times, we are unaware of this unconscious process.

As a result of this instinctive need to shield ourselves from negative feelings and avoid discomfort, leaders often exhibit the following behaviors:

• Avoid asking for feedback, even when it could be very helpful.
• Present their opinions as facts, making it difficult for others to question them or offer alternative perspectives.
• Exuding excessive self-confidence, masking vulnerability and displaying narcissistic behaviour in some cases
• Responding poorly to feedback by shutting down, withdrawing or sulking, discouraging others from providing feedback in the future.
• Displaying dismissive, and sometimes even aggressive body language that makes others feel inhibited from giving feedback on their own initiative.

These behaviors often stem from a history of harsh self-criticism, which fuels an all-or-nothing mentality. For leaders trapped in this mindset, even minor mistakes can feel catastrophic, intensifying their fear of rejection and reinforcing their aversion to perceived negative feedback.

However, the real problem is not the occasional misstep or failure, but rather ignoring the invaluable lessons they offer to adapt and identify patterns for improvement. The true misstep, therefore, is choosing not to learn from those mistakes, which perpetuates a cycle of self-protection and stunted growth.

One of the most effective ways to break this cycle is by cultivating a healthy sense of self-doubt. This doesn’t mean constantly questioning your abilities but rather staying curious, open, and willing to embrace the learning opportunities that constructive feedback provides. A balanced sense of self-doubt empowers leaders to challenge their assumptions, grow from their experiences, and foster a culture that values feedback and continuous improvement.

Monique, since these behaviors are often unconsciously self-taught, I find that raising awareness with data is often a crucial first step for fostering self-reflection and change. In your view, why is it beneficial for leaders to cultivate empathy, potentially with the support of a coach, while staying authentic and aligned with their core values?

Simply telling a leader to “be more empathetic” often leads to them “faking it” until the proverbial mask slips, which benefits no one. Inauthentic empathy is particularly damaging, as body language tends to convey conflicting signals, creating confusion among employees. This erodes trust and undermines the creation of a psychologically safe environment.

When I work with leaders, I emphasize that developing empathy and vulnerability are among the most challenging yet rewarding aspects of leadership growth. This process begins by identifying your values, capabilities, and boundaries. Without this leaders cannot access their own experiences that foster genuine empathy, nor can they share personal emotions in a way that others can connect with.

In my experience, vulnerability and empathy are deeply intertwined; they have a compounding, mutually reinforcing relationship. By progressively integrating these qualities into their leadership style and building on their personal strengths, leaders can form authentic, meaningful relationships while remaining true to themselves. This approach not only enhances their effectiveness but also promotes trust and collaboration within their teams.

We find that many leaders are unaware of their limited empathic abilities and the significant value that constructive feedback can bring to both themselves and their teams. Often, they only realize something is amiss when they encounter resistance or failure in their leadership journey. In your view, what are the key reasons for encouraging leaders to consistently engage in feedback and open communication?

As you mentioned, it’s often only when something goes wrong that people begin to recognize and acknowledge certain behaviors and their impact. That’s why I strongly advocate for incorporating feedback into the culture of the organization. The purpose of asking for feedback is not to be contrarian but to challenge the status quo and promote continuous improvement—and this must start at the top.

Here are some key benefits of regular constructive feedback sessions:

• Soliciting feedback from team members helps leaders gain a clearer understanding of their own strengths and weaknesses, as well as the needs and concerns of their teams.
• Empowering team members by granting them autonomy and trusting them to make decisions fosters a sense of shared purpose, building trust and creating a culture of collaboration and high performance.
• Taking responsibility for actions and mistakes and committing to making necessary changes builds credibility and trust within the team.
• Adapting to challenges and uncertainty demonstrates openness to new ideas and a willingness to pivot, further reinforcing trust and resilience.

When managers model and encourage these behaviors, they create a ripple effect throughout the organization, fostering a learning culture where well-being and growth can thrive. Therefore, I strongly advocate against adopting a reactive or wait-and-see approach, where feedback is used solely as a tool for crisis management. Worse still is when feedback is sought merely for validation, an approach that can sometimes stem from hidden narcissistic tendencies.

Can we conclude with a brief question, perhaps serving as a bridge into the topic of unrealistic or even narcissistic behavior? We’ve both observed that some leaders score relatively low on the competency of realism, and these individuals often demonstrate little initiative in seeking feedback on their own performance

Realism and self-empathy frequently go hand in hand. Together, they reinforce one another, contributing to effective and purposeful leadership, particularly in times of accelerated change and uncertainty.

Leaders who engage in few or no feedback conversations often lose awareness of the feasibility or relevance of their strategies and ideas. The metaphor of the “ivory tower” aptly captures this disconnect. Employee engagement and the broader impact of decisions on the infinite learning ecosystem, without giving stakeholders a voice, are unsustainable. Leaders who operate this way, some of whom frequently make headlines, are not only lacking in empathy but often resemble dictatorial administrators driven by personal motives.

By contrast, leaders who aim to grow alongside their teams and run hyper-nimble organizations recognize the power of feedback and actively encourage others to challenge their assumptions. It is only through this process that leaders can uncover blind spots and innovate collaboratively in a human-centered way.

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The Learning Mindset Organisation’s mission is to support individuals, teams and organisations in developing much-needed learning mindsets.  To this end, we not only offer global services such as keynotes, consulting, coaching and human-centred innovation, but have also developed unique Learning Mindset Profilers with AI and coaching options based on Jana Gutierrez Kardum’s and Katja Schipperheijn’s expertise and research for the book The Learning Mindset.  

The purpose of these profilers is to help you reflect on your mindset, after which you can use the results to relate to and reframe it. Both the free profiler and the profiler for professionals and teams are connected to the five drives that underpin your learning mindset But remember, the total score isn’t what matters, it’s the progress you choose to make that truly counts.